And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
