All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
worst night to have a conscience
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
