new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
