omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
