Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
