I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
