I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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