If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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