My Higher Power is John Stamos
where does the pee come out of this thing
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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