Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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