my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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