people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The uberlube is also flammable
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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