Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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