I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
