I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
