you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
