I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
