You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
