I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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