I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
