Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize