then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
