I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
God, I missed his penis.
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