A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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