Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize