Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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