Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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