Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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