He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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