She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
