yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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