I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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