dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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