I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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