it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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