Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
