Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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