i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
