I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I didn't notice because vodka
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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