Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
