What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
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Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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