Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
