oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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