I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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