I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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