Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
