what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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