is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
