I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
