We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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