I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
