I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I will pee on everything he values.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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