Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
