So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
