I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
