Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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