No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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