3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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