I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
